Chris McQueer: The Grinch incident

A combination of the seemingly never-ending pandemic and the general state of the world has left me feeling extremely miserable and in a bit of rut. However, every now and again something will catch my eye on social media that cheers me up no end. Something that reminds me that although the world we live in can be depressing, it can also incredibly absurd, surreal and funny. While scrolling through Twitter the other night, I came upon a series of screenshots taken from Facebook, captioned by the user as ‘maybe the funniest thing they’d ever seen in their life’. I clicked on it, hoping to be at least mildly amused but expecting to be disappointed. Instead, I was left roaring with laughter and absolutely delighted.

A woman had hired someone to come to her house, dressed as the Grinch, to have a laugh with her weans. She said she was expecting the Grinch for hire to mess up the weans’ beds, have a pillow fight with them, put toilet paper around her Christmas tree and afterwards the weans could get their picture taken with him. She paid £85 for this service. The first picture showed her beautiful home, all gleaming, shiny and clean and a buffet laid out in the kitchen featuring Grinch themed cakes, drinks, sweeties and sausage rolls. She was expecting some good-natured fun. What she got was carnage. The second picture showed a scene of complete devastation. The Grinch had gone off-script. He’d went rogue.

The cupcakes were smeared all over her living room floor, couch and walls. Her beautiful Christmas tree was at a jaunty angle with some of the decorations lying broken on the floor. The third picture showed her kitchen in a similar state. The Grinch had smashed eggs on the floor, poured washing-up liquid all over the place and even, she said, poured a full bottle of juice over her son. The son was standing in the middle of the kitchen absolutely covered in what I assume was juice and cake residue. He had a look on his face that suggested, despite how raging his maw was, he’d had the time of his life. It really was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

I began to laugh even more as I imagined the logistics of the Grinch for hire operation. There were no pictures of the Grinch in question so I had a look on Facebook looking for Grinches for hire in Glasgow to see if I could find the culprit but had no luck. I was desperate to find out if he had previous for this kind of thing and would he do it again? I found some other Grinches for hire around the UK and the going rate seemed to be around £20 for around ten minutes of Grinch activity. The original post said this particular Grinch cost £85, so either the woman who hired him has been conned or he is a premium Grinch. The best of the best. Someone who takes their role as the Grinch very seriously. In the film, he is known for his extreme dislike, even hatred, of Christmas and wreaks havoc on Whoville as a result. Whoever this Grinch is, he obviously takes a lot of pride in his work and tries to deliver the most authentic Grinch experience he can. Maybe though, it was his last day on the job as a Grinch and he thought he’d go out with a bang.

I wish to God I had been a fly on the wall while all this happened. I imagine the woman opened the door to find a man in hastily applied green face paint, smoking a roll-up. He flicks it away and says, ‘Am the Grinch ye hired.’ ‘Come on in,’ she says, very happy and excited, thinking she’s about to give her weans the best Christmas ever. ‘I’ve made up a buffet for you,’ she says as the Grinch looks around, plotting his next move.  ‘I’ll give the weans a shout and leave you to it,’ she says with a smile. As the weans come down to see who their mystery visitor is, he gets to work. He starts by knocking the tree over, sending the decorations flying across the living room and smashing. The weans are so excited by the presence of the Grinch that they can’t help but join in. Food flies everywhere. The Grinch revels in the destruction. The woman hears the noise form upstairs but thinks nothing of it initially. The laughter of her children assures her that all is well. The Grinch opens the fridge, grabs a carton of eggs and smashes them one by one, not even a flicker of emotion on his face. He checks his watch. His allotted time is up. He is free. The woman comes down and is shocked at what she sees. The grinch is pouring a bottle of juice all over her son and smoking in her kitchen. She is too shocked to say anything as he helps himself to his fee from her purse and disappears into the night.