'Portugal's answer to Fawlty Towers' - Glasgow's supercook Mrs Conetta on her hilarious hotel mishaps

This time, she is recovering from a stay at “Portugal’s Fawlty Towers” and reveals her go-to recipe for the perfect Easter dinner.

AFTER such a long period stuck at home eating all the food, I realised I needed to do something for my health - and weight. I found a beautiful hotel in Portugal and decided to go for a spa break.

After a long day travelling, my friend and I arrived at the hotel just after 8.30pm and asked the receptionist if dinner would still be served. She assured me the restaurant was open until 10pm.

A member of staff escorted us, explaining what a fantastic stay we were going to have, assuring us of “150 percent attention.” Wonderful! On arrival at the restaurant, we saw the chef at the kitchen door, talking to the waiter. The waiter then came over to tell us the kitchen has been cleaned and was therefore now closed. “Don’t worry” said he “I’ll send out for some food – what would you like?”

My response was that I hadn’t come to a five-star hotel to eat a carry-out. I asked for a taxi to take us to a nice restaurant instead and we had a lovely meal in Alva.

On returning to the hotel we were taken to our room. To my horror, the bathroom was completely made of glass – with the toilet visible from all sides of the room.

My friend and I explained we could not possibly stay together in this room. The member of staff responded that some people like to see each other shower - I said that sounded more like a horror show than a holiday.

So we were escorted to an alternative room with a proper bathroom - and the smallest bed you have ever seen. I suggested the staff member look at the size of my friend and I - and the size of the bed – did she really think this was going to work?! Back down to reception we went. After a chat with the manager, we were finally given a suitable room.

The next morning, we arose and presented ourselves for breakfast at 7.40am. The waitress rushed over to ask what we wanted and said we could not have breakfast yet as she hadn’t yet baked the bread – there was only tea or coffee.

I burst out laughing – we had found Portugal’s answer to Fawlty Towers..

We decided to leave, and tha manager authorised a refund - but he was the spa manager, so it turned out he was not authorised to do any such thing.

Our taxi driver was quite amazed to be asked to collect us only a day after dropping us off. Our next hotel, the Conrad Hilton in Amancil, was fantastic - finally, I could relax.

Negotiations for that refund are ongoing. And needless to say, I came home bigger than ever after some wonderful food – just in time for a big Easter celebration meal with the family.

Here’s my go-to traditional roast recipe. Buon appetito!

READ MORE: 'Uncle Jimmy was a joker' - Glasgow's Mrs Conetta on the meal that left her mum red-faced

ROAST LAMB

INGREDIENTS:

Leg of lamb

Salt and pepper

2 bunches of parsley, chopped

4 cloves of garlic, sliced

2 sprigs of thyme and rosemary

1 teaspoon of paprika

Third of a cup of pork dripping

1 cup (250ml) of white wine

METHOD:

Preheat oven to 220 degrees Celsius.

Wash the lamb and pat dry and use a sharp knife to create little pockets in the meat. Stuff the thyme and rosemary into the little pockets and dot the dripping over the top.

Season generously and place in a large roasting tin. Mix the garlic and parsley together and sprinkle over the lamb along with the paprika.

Place in the oven for about 30 minutes. Turn the meat over and pour the wine over it. Reduce oven temperature to 175 degrees and roast the lamb for a further hour, test with a skewer until cooked to preference.

Baste frequently during cooking with water and juices from the meat.